the depression is creeping back to me.  it surely happens whenever you are courting the indifferent goddess hope.  i knew it, i know it, and i am still laying my belly up to that bitch and 'hope'--the seed she scattered so recklessly and cruelly in this world--that she will inadvertantly look into my way.  it is the sad spice of life. some days later i will have to grind this sapless dry seed with my own knuckles, blow it like ashes, but for now just let me indulge a bit in this blue depression.

it is another reminder that you are not in your 20s anymore if you find youreself searching for old songs on youtube.  that is what i did just now. something triggers an itch to listen again the old song 'sound of silence' in the old movie 'graduate'.  so i listened to it.  its lyrics is still beautiful, but now to me the beauty is more in its form and imagery than in its message.  anyways i am not an angry youth, have i really ever been one? 

then i checked out some other linked songs by paul simon and discovered this 'el condor pasa'.   immediately the heart starts hovering in its melody, and in its swaying i am willing to soothe myself:  "like a swan, that is here and gone."   the swan could also be a little blue depression, it comes, it goes, it comes.  accept it. accept it.

算了，洗洗睡了。